9. Lessons from Failures

Real-life is full of successes and failures. Only if we live in artificial bubbles are losses eliminated. Avoiding failures is futile. Failure is necessary for character building. Disappointments make us stronger. Even knowing these truth, we have difficulty allowing ourselves or our children to experience losses. Anxiety and fear paralyze us. The accumulation of past failures and the avoidance of confronting our fears prevent us from moving on. 

If we are to benefit from experiences of failure, we need to:

1. Acknowledge that failures are a valuable and vital part of growth. Some people have this fantasy that we can avoid or minimize failures by planning well, controlling the process, and orchestrating the outcome. When we anticipate possible failures despite our best effort, we can accept disappointments, show compassion, and be kind and gentle to us human beings. I can feel pain and not be surprised by intense emotional reactions.

2. Befriend your fear, anxiety, guilt, frustration, anger, sadness and shame. We tend to avoid strong emotions and suppress them. When we can feel our intense emotions and allow them to surface, we become better at tolerating and creating space to experience these normal reactions to failures and glean their benefits.

3. Completing the cycle of emotional reactions may lead us to talk to our companions and friends. Or we may feel calmer and clear-headed in learning from our emotions. These emotions are informative, intelligent, and insightful to our growth. 

The above process is called Internal Self-Care. We care for our inner well-being by being vulnerable and experiencing pain. Internal Self-Care takes time, courage, and patience. Practical steps to practice internal self-care: Calm yourself, validate your own emotions, normalize, affirm yourself.

Resources for facing strong emotions:

1. Facing Shame (from a Chinese Christian perspective https://youtu.be/UGuTJqG-Zkk)

2. Shame (TED talk by Brene Brown https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0)

3. The Power of Vulnerability (by Brene Brown https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o)

4. The Present (https://youtu.be/WjqiU5FgsYc)

5. Managing Big Emotions (https://youtu.be/9rvUjnhcpYs)