3. Making Mistakes

Let's explore these two questions together:

Why do we have such a hard time accepting mistakes? How can we turn mistakes into valuable life lessons?

Most of us have difficulty accepting mistakes because of our families, schools, and culture favor perfectionism.  We are taught to eat properly and use our chopsticks in the right way.  We are given high marks for handing in flawless assignments and receive rewards for performing perfectly.  We are given attention if we dress impeccably and present ourselves well.  There seems to be little room for letting our hair down or just being ourselves.  We cannot deviate from the prescribed mold and pathway.  

Otherwise, we may receive a negative comment, rejection, or even be shamed in public.  This amounts to social suicide if we do not obey, follow the rules, and become perfect.  There is so much fear in making mistakes in light of this unrelenting drive to perfection.  We end up feeling worthless, shameful, and awful about who we are.  We may even hide and not find our voice and our true self.

Only when we see mistakes as natural and necessary steps towards growth will we appreciate the gift of imperfection.  Researcher and speaker Brene Brown in her book, "The Gifts of Imperfection," reveals these three gifts: to be brave in being vulnerable, compassionate, and kind to ourselves and have a meaningful connection with another trusted person.  

When we are accepted by another person, family members, or partners, we can then be brave to reveal our vulnerabilities and mistakes.  Through the eyes of a loving and accepting person, we learn to be compassionate and kind to ourselves.  We can comfort, soothe and encourage our shaky self.  We then begin to appreciate the vulnerability and mistakes are part of our precious being.  We are both strong and weak, perfect and imperfect, good and bad.  Making mistakes is just part of us, our experience, our life as human beings.  It's OK to be vulnerable.  It's OK to be making mistakes.

2. Challenge of An Abrupt Change

  The challenge of an abrupt change may unseat our sense of security and safety.

For our children, changing school or a good friend leaving may bring about a crisis of security. A familiar routine or a friendly face disappearing shake up our comfort zone. Some may still feel overwhelmingly sad even though we know the changes are coming.  These emotions may come in waves. We may even feel guilty about leaving or angry with those who are staying. We may feel doubts about the decision made or feel regret for not spending enough time. We feel upset, confused, anxious, and numb.  If our emotions are not valued or openly expressed in safety, the result is suppression.  We may feel temporarily numb.   In reality, the suppressed emotion is just inches away.  The grief is locked up in our memories and our hearts. 

Any emotions that are not experienced or expressed will be catching up with us in physical symptoms or relational problems in the future. That is why parents are learning to facilitate these healthy emotional experiences. 

First, it starts with us as parents reviewing our own growing-up experiences. We learn to acknowledge these emotions first.

Second, we can articulate these emotions as a normal grieving process. We can label it as sadness, guilt, anger, doubt, frustration, anxiety, etc. As we say it, we are externalizing it. By labeling it, we are normalizing it. And by expressing it with our face, gesture, and tone of voice, we convey empathy and care.

Third, we connect with our children, not through content. We connect with emotions.

Finally, we are ready to provide what they need. Safety and security of a relationship that listens, be with, and journeys through those abrupt changes.

1. The Twin Engines for Growth and Development

 Just like an airplane, our children will fly high and far if they have these twin engines on their wings: Challenges and Failures.

Challenges expand our vision of life.  Failures teach us limits and boundaries.

Daily challenges like organizing our time and finishing our tasks help sharpen our focus.  However, many children seem to have difficulty completing these basic tasks.  There seems to be a big gap between our ideal vision of our children and their realistic capacity to carry out life's most basic tasks.  One of the reasons is the lack of opportunities to fail and fail with empathic support.

Failures are normal and it reflects the expansion of skills and abilities.  Without failures or the tolerance of failures, our children will be stunted at the stage of self-engrossed, narcissistic, and self-centered existence without any reality checks.  Some parents are so protective and we do not allow any slight failures to happen to them.  On the other extreme, we neglect and allow them to be in situations that are too much for them to bear.  They become desperate and debilitated in their future pursuit of new interests.   Adaptive and responsive parents will allow natural consequences to play out if they do not keep their time commitment or complete their tasks.  This allows the children to face the natural and logical consequences.  After the event, we reflect and engage in conversation with them.  This allows them to learn from it with our full support and understanding.  

With this kind of adaptive and responsive parenting, They can face bigger challenges and be more ready to self-talk themselves out of future failures when we are not around.

Bigger challenges like changing schools, family separation, and friendship goodbyes that cause social withdrawal and emotional pain will be handled appropriately with support and positive self-talk.  Without parents or significant others being there when they face daily challenges,  our children will not be able to expand their small circle of comfort to a bigger circle of strength-based living.  On the other hand, when they are so used to small failures,  with the support of a wise adult, our children can face their natural consequences.  

An example:  When their good friends move away,  they were upset, or become quite negative, or even lose interest in daily activities.  We do not say, "don't worry, you still can make new friends."  Instead, we allow them to face the natural consequences of feeling loss, sadness, angry, guilty, or even regret.  While they're learning about their grief process, we can listen, empathize and share their load.  Our children or teenagers will learn about life's failure of not being able to control or predict their life events.  They grow wiser in learning about natural emotions, accepting limitations, finding ways to feel better or move forward.  Thus, these failures of not being able to control,  not being able to get what they want at the time they want, will help them to learn delay of gratification and be compassionate toward themselves.  

As they develop maturity, our children become more confident and competent to face another round of life challenges.  Thus, failures propel them to move along, better understand their own limits and boundaries, become wiser and adjust their expectations, and be able to use their experiences appropriately.

Reflections:

a. How do I as parents create space for my children to face challenges of life and not become extreme in overprotection or neglect?

b. What can I say or do this week to create that affirming space for my children to face failures?