9. Lessons from Failures

Real-life is full of successes and failures. Only if we live in artificial bubbles are losses eliminated. Avoiding failures is futile. Failure is necessary for character building. Disappointments make us stronger. Even knowing these truth, we have difficulty allowing ourselves or our children to experience losses. Anxiety and fear paralyze us. The accumulation of past failures and the avoidance of confronting our fears prevent us from moving on. 

If we are to benefit from experiences of failure, we need to:

1. Acknowledge that failures are a valuable and vital part of growth. Some people have this fantasy that we can avoid or minimize failures by planning well, controlling the process, and orchestrating the outcome. When we anticipate possible failures despite our best effort, we can accept disappointments, show compassion, and be kind and gentle to us human beings. I can feel pain and not be surprised by intense emotional reactions.

2. Befriend your fear, anxiety, guilt, frustration, anger, sadness and shame. We tend to avoid strong emotions and suppress them. When we can feel our intense emotions and allow them to surface, we become better at tolerating and creating space to experience these normal reactions to failures and glean their benefits.

3. Completing the cycle of emotional reactions may lead us to talk to our companions and friends. Or we may feel calmer and clear-headed in learning from our emotions. These emotions are informative, intelligent, and insightful to our growth. 

The above process is called Internal Self-Care. We care for our inner well-being by being vulnerable and experiencing pain. Internal Self-Care takes time, courage, and patience. Practical steps to practice internal self-care: Calm yourself, validate your own emotions, normalize, affirm yourself.

Resources for facing strong emotions:

1. Facing Shame (from a Chinese Christian perspective https://youtu.be/UGuTJqG-Zkk)

2. Shame (TED talk by Brene Brown https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0)

3. The Power of Vulnerability (by Brene Brown https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o)

4. The Present (https://youtu.be/WjqiU5FgsYc)

5. Managing Big Emotions (https://youtu.be/9rvUjnhcpYs)

8. Grow through volunteering

 Volunteering helps our young people to see the world from a broader perspective.

The benefits for the family and our young people are:

1.  We become less self-entered

2. Develop empathy skills

3. Develop humility

4. Learn to communicate with all kinds of people

5. Become curious about life complex issues

6. Develop deeper values and spirituality

Would you consider doing a service project or volunteering with your children to grow as a family?

7. The Power of Ambivalence

While we try to be positive for ourselves and our family during uncertainties and challenges, we may inadvertently suppress negative emotions, like doubts, disappointments, and fears. Research has reflected that this may not be the best approach. We have noticed that"Stay Home" school or work has brought positive and negative experiences to children and adults alike. We have "mixed feelings" about this season of life because it reflects the complexities of this season. We adopt this mixed approach in facing an unpredictable future to fend off disappointments or failures. "Mixed emotional state" may be beneficial at a time of abrupt changes and uncertainties. It helps us slow down, takes stock, and think it through. If we are alone in this state of ambivalence, we may feel stuck. However, research has shown that if we talk it through with someone who listens and creates space for collaborative exploration, we benefit from these mixed emotional states. We may gain positive engagement, insight, and focus on the present moment. We may feel supported, creative and calmer in the process.

Steps to access the power of ambivalence:

1. Be someone capable of listening and validating emotions.

2. Ask: "What are you comfortable with and one thing you feel worried about?"

3. Ask: "What can we do to make the situation easier for you?"

4. Ask: "What resources do you need to help with this situation?"

5. Ask: "How, who, and when do you want to do this with?"

6. Stay Home Challenge

What can we do as we enter into another period of uncertainty? when the students are staying home without much options of going out? while the world is experiencing pandemics and wars, how can we create a healthy, safe and life giving routine for the whole family?

Here are a few practical suggestions:

1. Create space for each other: finding a corner where one can hide and be by themselves without disturbe by others. This is good for our mental health and a sense of security.

2. Create time for play: by definition, play is non-structured, self-initiating and free to explore.

3. Create time for conversation: during or afer a movie, reading a book, watching local or world news, listening to a great speech online, after attending a service, are the daily conversations that shape us, feed us and grow us as a family.

4. Create one-on-one connection: take time out meeing individually on a date to do something of their choice or liking.

5. Create time for peer-relationship: Whether through social media, video chats, or get together in person this is one of the most important area of children development.

6. Create fitness routine: Learn new approaches, develop flexible routines.

7. Create time to pray as a family: the family that prays together stays together.

8. Create practices of gratitude: Before we sleep, count off three things that we are grateful for.

9. Ctreate family photo album or video watching night.

10. Create extended family reunion.

5. Betrayal and Bullying

One of the hallmarks of friendship-making is to experience intimacy and betrayal. With this perspective, parents will not be alarmed when they hear that their children experience disappointment, bullying, and betrayal. We can be calm to listen and help our children through this phase of life with resilience.

According to Professor Annis Fung at the City University of Hong Kong, "Hong Kong was ranked the worst in school bullying amongst 72 countries and regions," 

In a 2017 worldwide survey of 540,000 schoolchildren, the Programme for International Students Assessment, The survey found that 32.3 percent of Hong Kong students reported being victims of bullying – three times higher than that of Taiwan and nearly double that of the United States.

What can parents do?

1. Listen with calmness, non-judgemental, and open attitude

2. Empathize and encourage our children to talk to their teachers

3. Monitor, coordinate and provide safety for our children

4. Consult professionals when needed

Reference:

https://www.cityu.edu.hk/class/media_events/magazine/issue9/en/tackling-hongkongs-bullying-and-suicide-crises.html

https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/facts

4. Failing an exam

One of the challenges in a student's life is to face the disappointment of failures. How does one handle failures and become stronger and not be devastated by their negative experiences? 

Perception is the key, and Processing is a door that leads to resilience.

Perception: How our children perceive what an exam is will affect how they react after receiving the grades. Some students cry; some take it in stride. Those who can benefit from the exam are the ones who perceive it with a proper perspective. Exam at school is only a way to measure what we have learned. Any exam is just estimating a small aspect of what we know. Exams are just marking the progress of our learning. The exam is not always needed if there are other ways to assess the progress. Grades do not equate to our worth or full abilities. We are more than grades and exams.  We found our worth and value in the belief that we are loved by The Creator, God our Father.  Within our Christian tradition, we are made in the image of God.  If you have not seen this clip or heard this song before, do check out the following link. In my humble opinion, this is one of the most powerful song in these past few years, titled “So Will I”: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=C2U7ffUM5Ec

Parents have the power to set this proper perspective for our kids. Schools and teachers have a strategic role to create a holistic educational culture and process .  

Processing: When students fail their exams, they need support, comfort, and a listening ear. They need someone to help process their emotions, struggles, self-images, identities, and philosophies of life. They need hope and a new perspective when they are steeped in their disappointment.  

Students perceive exams and grades through the eyes of their parents. Students also come out of their struggles quicker if parents can process their feelings and struggles. In summary, both the attitude and how parents talk to their children build resilience.

3. Making Mistakes

Let's explore these two questions together:

Why do we have such a hard time accepting mistakes? How can we turn mistakes into valuable life lessons?

Most of us have difficulty accepting mistakes because of our families, schools, and culture favor perfectionism.  We are taught to eat properly and use our chopsticks in the right way.  We are given high marks for handing in flawless assignments and receive rewards for performing perfectly.  We are given attention if we dress impeccably and present ourselves well.  There seems to be little room for letting our hair down or just being ourselves.  We cannot deviate from the prescribed mold and pathway.  

Otherwise, we may receive a negative comment, rejection, or even be shamed in public.  This amounts to social suicide if we do not obey, follow the rules, and become perfect.  There is so much fear in making mistakes in light of this unrelenting drive to perfection.  We end up feeling worthless, shameful, and awful about who we are.  We may even hide and not find our voice and our true self.

Only when we see mistakes as natural and necessary steps towards growth will we appreciate the gift of imperfection.  Researcher and speaker Brene Brown in her book, "The Gifts of Imperfection," reveals these three gifts: to be brave in being vulnerable, compassionate, and kind to ourselves and have a meaningful connection with another trusted person.  

When we are accepted by another person, family members, or partners, we can then be brave to reveal our vulnerabilities and mistakes.  Through the eyes of a loving and accepting person, we learn to be compassionate and kind to ourselves.  We can comfort, soothe and encourage our shaky self.  We then begin to appreciate the vulnerability and mistakes are part of our precious being.  We are both strong and weak, perfect and imperfect, good and bad.  Making mistakes is just part of us, our experience, our life as human beings.  It's OK to be vulnerable.  It's OK to be making mistakes.